The Apparatus for Simulating a “High Five” was filed by an inventor named Albert Cohen, in an apparent attempt to make the most depressing device in history.

“During a televised sporting event,” the patent explains, “a ‘high five’ is commonly shared between fans to express the joy and excitement of a touchdown, home run, game-winning basket, birdie or other positive occurrence. Unfortunately … a ‘high five’ requires the mutual hand slapping of two participants … As such, a solitary fan is unable to perform a ‘high five’ to express excitement during a televised sporting event.” That might be the most unintentionally revealing patent ever written.

Can someone write Albert Cohen a letter and clue him in about sports bars or fantasy football leagues or something? There’s gotta be someone out there for him to watch sports with. As it stands, he’s sitting around his dank one-bedroom apartment in sweatpants, oiling up his mechanical “high five” machine for tomorrow’s big game. We almost want to manufacture this thing just so we can send anyone who purchases it directly over to Albert’s house to hang out with him.

via Cracked, which is always great if you want to rinse away your time on pointless, yet funny and informative articles.